Dear Hillary – Essay – Satire

Dear Hillary,

I’m sorry if this letter comes as a shock, but we have to have a talk. The last few months of separation from you have taught me that it’s time to say goodbye.

Please don’t be hurt. It’s not you. It’s me. And… it’s him. You know the guy I mean. I know he’s abusive and lies all the time, but he’s got me in a corner and he’s grabbing me by the pussy, so I’m a bit stuck. I just can’t help thinking about him all the time and he’s so demanding of my attention. Don’t worry, I’m not making a big right turn. If anything I’m discovering my inner progressive.

So, I have to move on. And to be truthful, maybe it is a little bit you. The baggage involved with our relationship is keeping me from moving forward. Every comment I make is judged by my perceived reaction to your loss. Because of our past connection, I am unable to prove my current opposition to him. The only way to move forward and make a difference is to let what-might-have-been go.

You have to realize that my relationship with you was one sided and not fair to you at all. I was just using you to get to him. You were my weapon, the only weapon I had. I was with you, not through loyalty to you, but in opposition to him. But you were using me too. Admit it. We could have had a long-term thing that was comfortable and familiar, and it would have had a great honeymoon period, but in the long haul, it would probably have gotten messy.

So from now on I won’t talk about you or come to your defense when his friends cut you down, because I won’t let them use you that way. I won’t let them move the orange spotlight or change the conversation.

I know it’s a cliché, but I hope we can stay friends. I’ll always have feelings for you and will honor the time I helped support you. And I hope that we can still save the other relationship that truly matters most to both of us. Our mutual love. America.

Appreciation Always,
Your Voters


Presidential Role Reversal – Essay

Presidential Role Reversal

Men. You have to treat them like shit. They always get carried away by their own testosterone. I keep a really ugly unflattering picture of my male employees around so that whenever they do something I don’t like I can remind them that they’re just a male bimbo to me. He’s just not strong enough generally to cope with the job, so a man’s place in the office is on his knees.

My husband’s job is only to cater to me. I have days where, if I come home — and I don’t want to sound too much like a female chauvinist, but when I come home and dinner’s not ready, I go through the roof. I mean, I could have nailed George Clooney, so he’s lucky I’m still with him.

All men flirt with me, consciously or unconsciously, that’s to be expected. They do. They’ll walk up, and they’ll show me their bare chest, and they’ll grab their crotch. I’d fuck ’em. Although, I promised myself to refrain from messing around with the teenage boys. But I make moves all the time on married guys, though. Because I can just go up and grab their dick and they love it.

I don’t like my man to be too successful. I get bored with them then. I think after they get to be a star, the fun is over for me. It’s like a creation process.

I demand that they wear only tuxedos and they need to take steroids and weight lift to have perfect bodies. Not like that awful celebrity on TV, you know the one I mean. He’s disgusting, both inside and out. If you take a look at him, he’s a slob. How does he even get on television? If I were running his show, I’d fire him. It’s so sad he’s not a ten. But you need a bigger dick than that to be a ten.

I’d look him right in that fat, ugly face and say, you’re fired. He is unattractive both inside and out. Look at that face. Would anyone fuck that? I fully understand why his former wife left him for a woman- she made a good decision. But he was a nasty mean enabler too, allowing her to have an affair.

Hopefully this piece offended you. Everything in it was an adaptation of an actual statement by our current President just changing the gender.

The Many Names of Donald Trump – Essay

by C. Mascott

I’ve been laughing for months at the wide variety of nicknames for Donald Trump that have been floating by on social media, while I’ve been crying over the state of our nation, but it was a retort by Pennsylvania State Senator Daylin Leach that illustrated the name calling had crossed the line into what could be considered an ‘art form’. When the President suggested that he would destroy a Texas lawmaker’s career for supporting civil asset forfeiture, Leach, who also agrees with the policy, challenged Trump shortly after his statement on social media with the slur of all slurs by saying “Why don’t you try to destroy my career you fascist, loofa-faced, shit-gibbon!” This glorious phrase of a nickname inspired me to catalog the many names of Donald Trump.

Donald Trump has always had silly nicknames. It’s something that predates his presidential campaign. His most well known moniker, ‘The Donald’, was given to him many years ago by his first wife Ivana. She claims it was simply a result of her broken English. But everyone’s favorite pre-election name choice for Trump it has to be the one he received in 2013 in a twitter war with John Stewart, where the comedian referred to him as ‘Fuckface von Clownstick’. It stuck and is still in use but it pales in comparison with the comical creations the average voter has supplied since.

But, with his election as US President, the general public can’t seem to settle on a single descriptive universal nickname, a singular name like the one worn by his Secretary of Defense, General ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis that concisely conveys the essence of the man. (Who wouldn’t think twice taking on an adversary named ‘Mad Dog’?) But there is no single nickname that has emerged that elegantly describes all the various aspects of Trump that people wish to malign. Instead his detractors seem to be dazzled by the seemingly endless possibilities of comedic and satirical potential Trump’s physical appearance and bizarre antics provide.

So, even though I had quite a list of my own going, I challenged my friends on social media to share with me their favorite Trump nicknames and the selection was astounding. There were creatively simple plays on the Trump name like ‘Herr Drumpf’, which points out the pedestrian heritage of his ancestral name before his grandfather was deported from his homeland, Germany, for ducking military service. Turns out this immigrant had his name changed at the US border.

Other nickname suggestions were purely insult ridden choices which didn’t seem to care if they scored low creativity marks, like ‘tRump’, ‘Grump’, ‘Don Dumb Dung’ and simply ‘fucking chimp’. But, perhaps the most ethereal selection, came from a friend who apologized by saying she doesn’t “know how to spell the vomit noises that come out of my mouth”. Surprisingly though, the most creative nicknames fell into very definable categories.

Trump’s favorite method of direct communication also gave rise to a category of names that suggest that preference. The ‘Twit-in-Chief’ loves Twitter, so calling him ‘Tweety Bird’ and ‘Twitter Trumpshit’ are understandable name variations. But with the elegant moniker of ‘Twitler’, we get double the pleasure and double the fun of two categories in one.

Trump’s behavior is troubling to many Americans who see parallels with his populism, his attacks on the press and his isolationism, with the zeitgeist that gave rise to Adolf Hitler’s leadership in Nazi Germany. Paired with jabs at Trump’s trademark bad coif, the names ‘Adolf Hairpiece’, and ‘Hair Furher’ are logical adaptations for those who find his fascist tendencies to be deserving of the most focus. But a personal favorite in this category is ‘Der Gropenführer’, implying a slightly more perverted version of a classic fascist dictator.

“Orange is the New Bleak” could be the name of this new reality show set in the Oval Office and Trump’s uneven spray tan has made it the color of choice for nickname choices too. From a variation on the most artificially orange food know to man, ‘The Cheeto’ is born. Other orange tinted choices include, ‘Mango Mussolini’, ‘Orange Homunculus’, ‘Orange Foolious’, the ‘Orange Anus’ and the ‘Nectarine Narcissist’. The consensus seems to be that if Trump’s cabinet was a boy-band they would be dubbed The Big Orange Ogre and his Nazi Henchmen.

It’s inconceivable that this pathological liar and volatile personality, is occupying the highest seat in the land and is representing the United States’ interests in diplomatic situations, so there are some folks who bastardize the presidential title to find their favorite alternative name to match his alternative facts. Some are ruled by ‘The Commander in Disbelief’, ‘The Man-Baby-In-Chief’ or ‘The Predator in Chief’ (referencing the many claims of sexual assault against him through the years). But most names in this grouping play off the acronym POTUS (President of the United States). Trump’s code name has been changed to read POSTUS, BLOTUS or PEEOTUS (referencing his alleged sexual act of choice).

But perhaps the most surprising set of nicknames are those derived from fairy tales. Mary Poppins gives us the biggest word you’ve ever heard for Trump and this is how it goes: ‘Super Callous Fragile Ego Extra Braggadocious’. The Wizard of Oz gives us ‘The Cowardly Liar’ while ‘Humpty Trumpty’ will build a great wall and we can only hope he’ll have as big fall over it as his nursery rhyme namesake. Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas are a common fictional comparison as well, due to their shared signature color, but the fairy tale character that is the favorite Trump stand-in is the evil Rumplestiltskin, a trollish figure who keeps a beautiful young girl imprisoned against her will, where she is made to do his bidding by laboring like a slave in a sweatshop spinning him piles of gold. However in our modern story the crybaby star is ‘Trumplethinskin’ whose fragile ego is so easily and constantly bruised.

The man is comical and his behavior is shocking, but at the end of the day, as we laugh through our tears, it is important to remember that the most concerning nicknames for President Trump are not satirical or comical. Hearing them used I am filled with dread as I ponder the fate of our nation. These names do not come from his detractors, but from his most ardent supporters. They call him ‘Savior’, ‘Messiah’ and ‘King’.

Breaking the Wheel – Essay

This was a fb post right after the Executive ‘Muslim Ban’ Order:

Take the whole refugee outrage thing out of play for a minute and just look at the total mess! We’re in a fast car headed for a tall cliff because this administration has absolutely no idea what it’s doing. It is embarrassing that our leader has to be schooled by Germany on our foreign obligations.

Not only is he releasing all of these orders without vetting by the departments they effect, he is creating these edicts with very little input from anyone beyond his inner circle, a small circle which includes his son-in-law and a self proclaimed Leninist who refers to himself as Darth Vader. And Trump just reorganized the NSC to include this right wing extremist but eliminate the Joint Chiefs.

His orders so far have baffled the law community due to their incompetency. I read a piece by a conservative lawyer who described them as looking like “something an intern threw together on their lunch hour”. The Governor of Washington just said this administration couldn’t organize “a two car funeral.” in the aftermath of the airport detentions.

Executive Orders are not corporate memos from an omnipotent CEO, they should be well thought through, vetted legal documents intended to govern. The implementation of the “Muslim ban” was a cluster! With no firm plan, a lack of legally defined terms, no clear implementation instructions, no advanced warning, nothing, it was pronounced like a royal edict and led to total chaos at airports worldwide. And on top of it all violated our Geneva Conventions agreement on refugees and discriminated against groups due to religion.

The state department has limited staff due to the firing/resignation situation last week. Diplomatic posts are intentionally unfilled, but he’s playing around with situations that require a great deal of input and expertise from these kinds of people who understand foreign relations.

He’s taking no input from our Intelligence Agencies but watches copious amount of television, conducts foreign policy on twitter, and is basing his ideology on a diet of conspiracy theorists and Fox News.

He’s instructed governmental departments not to talk to Congress and muzzled federal employees. He’s declared that we’re building a wall, but hasn’t asked Congress for the money. But he has pissed off Mexico. And then there’s the hornets nest he’s started buzzing over in China.

He does not understand how government works! He refuses to listen to people who do. HE’S PLAY ACTING AT BEING PRESIDENT. But what he’s really doing is recklessly breaking the wheel with no spare in the trunk.

Exactly what Bannon wants.