THE MANY NAMES OF DONALD TRUMP
by C. Mascott
I’ve been laughing for months at the wide variety of nicknames for Donald Trump that have been floating by on social media, while I’ve been crying over the state of our nation, but it was a retort by Pennsylvania State Senator Daylin Leach that illustrated the name calling had crossed the line into what could be considered an ‘art form’. When the President suggested that he would destroy a Texas lawmaker’s career for supporting civil asset forfeiture, Leach, who also agrees with the policy, challenged Trump shortly after his statement on social media with the slur of all slurs by saying “Why don’t you try to destroy my career you fascist, loofa-faced, shit-gibbon!” This glorious phrase of a nickname inspired me to catalog the many names of Donald Trump.
Donald Trump has always had silly nicknames. It’s something that predates his presidential campaign. His most well known moniker, ‘The Donald’, was given to him many years ago by his first wife Ivana. She claims it was simply a result of her broken English. But everyone’s favorite pre-election name choice for Trump it has to be the one he received in 2013 in a twitter war with John Stewart, where the comedian referred to him as ‘Fuckface von Clownstick’. It stuck and is still in use but it pales in comparison with the comical creations the average voter has supplied since.
But, with his election as US President, the general public can’t seem to settle on a single descriptive universal nickname, a singular name like the one worn by his Secretary of Defense, General ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis that concisely conveys the essence of the man. (Who wouldn’t think twice taking on an adversary named ‘Mad Dog’?) But there is no single nickname that has emerged that elegantly describes all the various aspects of Trump that people wish to malign. Instead his detractors seem to be dazzled by the seemingly endless possibilities of comedic and satirical potential Trump’s physical appearance and bizarre antics provide.
So, even though I had quite a list of my own going, I challenged my friends on social media to share with me their favorite Trump nicknames and the selection was astounding. There were creatively simple plays on the Trump name like ‘Herr Drumpf’, which points out the pedestrian heritage of his ancestral name before his grandfather was deported from his homeland, Germany, for ducking military service. Turns out this immigrant had his name changed at the US border.
Other nickname suggestions were purely insult ridden choices which didn’t seem to care if they scored low creativity marks, like ‘tRump’, ‘Grump’, ‘Don Dumb Dung’ and simply ‘fucking chimp’. But, perhaps the most ethereal selection, came from a friend who apologized by saying she doesn’t “know how to spell the vomit noises that come out of my mouth”. Surprisingly though, the most creative nicknames fell into very definable categories.
Trump’s favorite method of direct communication also gave rise to a category of names that suggest that preference. The ‘Twit-in-Chief’ loves Twitter, so calling him ‘Tweety Bird’ and ‘Twitter Trumpshit’ are understandable name variations. But with the elegant moniker of ‘Twitler’, we get double the pleasure and double the fun of two categories in one.
Trump’s behavior is troubling to many Americans who see parallels with his populism, his attacks on the press and his isolationism, with the zeitgeist that gave rise to Adolf Hitler’s leadership in Nazi Germany. Paired with jabs at Trump’s trademark bad coif, the names ‘Adolf Hairpiece’, and ‘Hair Furher’ are logical adaptations for those who find his fascist tendencies to be deserving of the most focus. But a personal favorite in this category is ‘Der Gropenführer’, implying a slightly more perverted version of a classic fascist dictator.
“Orange is the New Bleak” could be the name of this new reality show set in the Oval Office and Trump’s uneven spray tan has made it the color of choice for nickname choices too. From a variation on the most artificially orange food know to man, ‘The Cheeto’ is born. Other orange tinted choices include, ‘Mango Mussolini’, ‘Orange Homunculus’, ‘Orange Foolious’, the ‘Orange Anus’ and the ‘Nectarine Narcissist’. The consensus seems to be that if Trump’s cabinet was a boy-band they would be dubbed The Big Orange Ogre and his Nazi Henchmen.
It’s inconceivable that this pathological liar and volatile personality, is occupying the highest seat in the land and is representing the United States’ interests in diplomatic situations, so there are some folks who bastardize the presidential title to find their favorite alternative name to match his alternative facts. Some are ruled by ‘The Commander in Disbelief’, ‘The Man-Baby-In-Chief’ or ‘The Predator in Chief’ (referencing the many claims of sexual assault against him through the years). But most names in this grouping play off the acronym POTUS (President of the United States). Trump’s code name has been changed to read POSTUS, BLOTUS or PEEOTUS (referencing his alleged sexual act of choice).
But perhaps the most surprising set of nicknames are those derived from fairy tales. Mary Poppins gives us the biggest word you’ve ever heard for Trump and this is how it goes: ‘Super Callous Fragile Ego Extra Braggadocious’. The Wizard of Oz gives us ‘The Cowardly Liar’ while ‘Humpty Trumpty’ will build a great wall and we can only hope he’ll have as big fall over it as his nursery rhyme namesake. Willy Wonka’s Oompa Loompas are a common fictional comparison as well, due to their shared signature color, but the fairy tale character that is the favorite Trump stand-in is the evil Rumplestiltskin, a trollish figure who keeps a beautiful young girl imprisoned against her will, where she is made to do his bidding by laboring like a slave in a sweatshop spinning him piles of gold. However in our modern story the crybaby star is ‘Trumplethinskin’ whose fragile ego is so easily and constantly bruised.
The man is comical and his behavior is shocking, but at the end of the day, as we laugh through our tears, it is important to remember that the most concerning nicknames for President Trump are not satirical or comical. Hearing them used I am filled with dread as I ponder the fate of our nation. These names do not come from his detractors, but from his most ardent supporters. They call him ‘Savior’, ‘Messiah’ and ‘King’.