Presidential Role Reversal – Essay

Presidential Role Reversal

Men. You have to treat them like shit. They always get carried away by their own testosterone. I keep a really ugly unflattering picture of my male employees around so that whenever they do something I don’t like I can remind them that they’re just a male bimbo to me. He’s just not strong enough generally to cope with the job, so a man’s place in the office is on his knees.

My husband’s job is only to cater to me. I have days where, if I come home — and I don’t want to sound too much like a female chauvinist, but when I come home and dinner’s not ready, I go through the roof. I mean, I could have nailed George Clooney, so he’s lucky I’m still with him.

All men flirt with me, consciously or unconsciously, that’s to be expected. They do. They’ll walk up, and they’ll show me their bare chest, and they’ll grab their crotch. I’d fuck ’em. Although, I promised myself to refrain from messing around with the teenage boys. But I make moves all the time on married guys, though. Because I can just go up and grab their dick and they love it.

I don’t like my man to be too successful. I get bored with them then. I think after they get to be a star, the fun is over for me. It’s like a creation process.

I demand that they wear only tuxedos and they need to take steroids and weight lift to have perfect bodies. Not like that awful celebrity on TV, you know the one I mean. He’s disgusting, both inside and out. If you take a look at him, he’s a slob. How does he even get on television? If I were running his show, I’d fire him. It’s so sad he’s not a ten. But you need a bigger dick than that to be a ten.

I’d look him right in that fat, ugly face and say, you’re fired. He is unattractive both inside and out. Look at that face. Would anyone fuck that? I fully understand why his former wife left him for a woman- she made a good decision. But he was a nasty mean enabler too, allowing her to have an affair.

Hopefully this piece offended you. Everything in it was an adaptation of an actual statement by our current President just changing the gender.


The Ballad of Bowling Green – Poetry


by C. Mascott

Listen dear friends and you shall hear
of the lies that are whispered in your ears
on the second of February, twenty seventeen
nothing was heard, nothing was seen
‘cept the ballad of Bowling Green

with flickering light
the spinster told
of evil awakened like tales of old
bringing monsters to life with the fears people hold
when nothing was what was seen
at the mythical Bowling Green

they will come for your weapons
they will come for your wives
they will eat your small children
and ruin your lives
they will kill all your gods
said the tv screen
of the devils at Bowling Green

You know the rest,
from the papers you’ve read
and now can see with lowered head
as we honor the loss of what’s truly dead
though no actual life was lost that day
the thing for which we need to pray
is the death of truth and what fact should mean
massacred by the silence of Bowling Green

I sound alarm my dearest friends
before our reason meets it’s end
cry defiance, don’t eat their fear
be a voice in the darkness for all that’s dear
In this hour of weakness, peril and need,
if we keep truth alive we can fight all the greed
that seeks to destroy what reality means
by feeding us lies like Bowling Green